Divorce isn't all bad

Wow, here I am, what feels like a few lifetimes later but actually only 3 months after my husband's announcement that he wanted a divorce. It has been hell. I have cried more than I did during all the military separations we had to go through, the 2 very difficult pregnancies and births, my many battles with depression (post-partum and chronic), and his PTSD after Iraq.

But, the weird thing. . . I'm still here, living my life, taking care of my kids, and not THAT much has changed!! I thought my husband was my life, my soulmate, inseparably tied to my heart, and couldn't (wouldn't) imagine life without him. We are a couple and we'll stay together forever, said I, through thick and thin, for better or worse, always together. And during the times I thought it would be misery to stay together, I screamed at God (and/or my husband) a bit, then decided (or God gave me the strength) to make the best of it, and we (i thought) were stronger than ever when we came through each test. We were the example of a healthy couple to other people. We took time to just hang out together, called to say hi during the day, talked openly and frequently, had as much family time as we could between his fulltime work and Graduate studies and our involvement with church and extended family, had a decent (if inconsistent) sex life and never neglected each other.

So what happened? I thought I grew up and he didn't, he was selfish and I was self-sacrificing, he didn't want to deal with his PTSD, I grew closer to God and he pulled further away, I found fulfillment as a wife and mother but he felt trapped as a father who could only earn a set amount and spend a little time with his kids as he struggled to do better for us. So we inevitably grew apart, not in the obvious outward ways, but in our hearts, behind closed doors. All those things were partly true, but, if the problem was really that clearcut, we still could have come back together to re-build our decaying relationship.

Only, it wasn't selfishness or maturity or even turning to or away from God. . . it was more our individual determination to find happiness somewhere, somehow, and the other person wasn't turning out to be the one who made us happy anymore. I found happiness in God, believing that my Love would have to do the same and it would bring us back together, as a couple in Christ's control.

But, little did I realize, my husband had given up on the battle to find happiness in God because all he could see (in the lives of so many "Christians") was the spirit of judgment, criticism, doubt, fear of anything outside the straight and narrow or stale traditions, and co-dependancy instead of the self-reliance he held dear. And if "God's people" behaved this way, how would giving himself completely to God help him in any way? My expectations for him were too high, and he wasn't going to be my ideal "godly man" and he didn't want to try. Conversely, his expectations and desires for his wife were no longer of the same urgency to me; after all, my husband should "Seek first the kingdom of God", so I shouldn't feel pressured to meet his needs.

Now that I've written that out, it's sad to see all the mistaken thinking we BOTH had. I can't blame him for leaving; he honestly thought we would both be happier without each other. And now, after a relatively short time, I'm beginning to see that I CAN be happy again; not just surviving or getting by, but truly happy for the first time in a looonnnnnggg time. I'm already dreaming of meeting someone who really is that "Godly man" that I long to walk through this life with, and I don't just have to wait and hope and pray that he will someday become that guy, he's already out there, serving God with his whole heart!

OR i might just stay as I am, a single mom with the freedom to be who I am and not beholden to anyone but my kids and God, which is fine too. I don't feel guilty or fearful thinking about either option, I can be excited and just wonder what's next! This is an OPPORTUNITY, no longer a tragedy. The tragedy was to continue living in a "decent" but tumultuous marriage where no one was really fulfilled. My life was based on the choices of my husband, and now his choices will have much less impact on me.

It's still going to be very hard to deal with the impact of his choices on our children, but it won't be my job anymore to support him as a wife should. When I disagree, I can say so, openly and honestly, and whether we work it out won't feel like life or death anymore. If my convictions won't let me accept his actions, I don't have to. And our kids will be in God's hands no matter what, so HE will show them the way, not their dad OR me, even if I do think I'm God's perfect example of goodness sometimes. lol

my husband walked. . .sort of

why i blog. . .
This blog is being started as a way to vent some of my crazy emotions over what is happening in my life. Yeah, there's lots of stuff already out there that sounds just like this, but i gotta talk it out for myself. and here in the anonymous (i hope) world of the web i feel almost free to say it all.
announcement. . .
Last week my husband of 12 years said he thought we should get a divorce and he was going to stay at his parent's house for awhile. So I got to bury the knife wound with some bedtime cuddles for 2 nights, then he moved a few things to their place.
am i being fired?
he comes over every day to see our beautiful children, 2 pre-school aged. I had to tell him (after a few days of this) i couldn't just hang out with them and act like things were okay between us while he's planning to end our marriage. he said he thought I seemed fine with it!?!? but understood how this could be stressful for me. HE SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE DOWNSIZING an EMPLOYEE. i just try to find something to do elsewhere for at least part of the time he's here. but i feel like the worst of the trampled and used DOORMAT types. why should he be able to come and go when he wants, eat OUR food and drink OUR coffee when he's decided to end our marriage and i don't want to??
desperate measures. . .
he's grudgingly said yes to marriage counseling but also said he doesn't see us staying together and ever being happy. i know and admit we haven't been too happy lately, and for my part will change whatever I can to be happier myself (i.e. antidepressants and therapy), and help our marriage. But will he get therapy for his PTSD from Iraq?? whatever. He says we make each other miserable. I'll never want the same things he does in our marriage. we can't meet each other's expectations so why keep trying? (i say why do we have these expectations if they aren't realistic? can't we just drop all the expectations and rules and love each other unconditionally?)
inhibited. . .
man, this really sucks. but. . . I already learned something helpful from reading other blogs about divorces: a very useful tool for letting it all out when you are inhibited like me and morally against swearing but have to let SOMETHING out so you don't explode is. . . . WTF!!!! i scream it (fulltext version) in my head for the whole crappy world to hear and i feel a little vindicated. if you can't guess what it means you are way too sheltered and you need to ask people who don't live in a bubble "what the ---- does WTF mean".
cold and lonely. . .
okay, well, i have to shuffle off to my cold bed now and wait for morning, when I will be getting up with OUR children and trying to think of another excuse why daddy didn't sleep here last night. the ignorant jerk thinks it won't really affect the kids that much, he's always at work anyway. . . stupid idiot jerk i better stop now because those aren't the words i want to go to sleep with.

~with anger trying to scare away the pain and fear,
wife