my husband walked. . .sort of

why i blog. . .
This blog is being started as a way to vent some of my crazy emotions over what is happening in my life. Yeah, there's lots of stuff already out there that sounds just like this, but i gotta talk it out for myself. and here in the anonymous (i hope) world of the web i feel almost free to say it all.
announcement. . .
Last week my husband of 12 years said he thought we should get a divorce and he was going to stay at his parent's house for awhile. So I got to bury the knife wound with some bedtime cuddles for 2 nights, then he moved a few things to their place.
am i being fired?
he comes over every day to see our beautiful children, 2 pre-school aged. I had to tell him (after a few days of this) i couldn't just hang out with them and act like things were okay between us while he's planning to end our marriage. he said he thought I seemed fine with it!?!? but understood how this could be stressful for me. HE SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE DOWNSIZING an EMPLOYEE. i just try to find something to do elsewhere for at least part of the time he's here. but i feel like the worst of the trampled and used DOORMAT types. why should he be able to come and go when he wants, eat OUR food and drink OUR coffee when he's decided to end our marriage and i don't want to??
desperate measures. . .
he's grudgingly said yes to marriage counseling but also said he doesn't see us staying together and ever being happy. i know and admit we haven't been too happy lately, and for my part will change whatever I can to be happier myself (i.e. antidepressants and therapy), and help our marriage. But will he get therapy for his PTSD from Iraq?? whatever. He says we make each other miserable. I'll never want the same things he does in our marriage. we can't meet each other's expectations so why keep trying? (i say why do we have these expectations if they aren't realistic? can't we just drop all the expectations and rules and love each other unconditionally?)
inhibited. . .
man, this really sucks. but. . . I already learned something helpful from reading other blogs about divorces: a very useful tool for letting it all out when you are inhibited like me and morally against swearing but have to let SOMETHING out so you don't explode is. . . . WTF!!!! i scream it (fulltext version) in my head for the whole crappy world to hear and i feel a little vindicated. if you can't guess what it means you are way too sheltered and you need to ask people who don't live in a bubble "what the ---- does WTF mean".
cold and lonely. . .
okay, well, i have to shuffle off to my cold bed now and wait for morning, when I will be getting up with OUR children and trying to think of another excuse why daddy didn't sleep here last night. the ignorant jerk thinks it won't really affect the kids that much, he's always at work anyway. . . stupid idiot jerk i better stop now because those aren't the words i want to go to sleep with.

~with anger trying to scare away the pain and fear,
wife